Transformation

This morning I feel encouraged. God has been showing me that we do not have to do things in life in our own strength. I can remember running in 4 marathons and the whole time thinking that if I can just push a little harder, breathe a little deeper, mentally engage, I would make it. Basically, it was all about me, and my willpower. Running marathons for me was about what I could accomplish in my own strength. How silly is that? How silly is it for Christian to think that they can do it on their own? When it comes to marathons, sports, work, even being a good wife, friend, and soon to be mother, I think about what I can do to be better.

Today, God stopped me dead in my tracks. I used to fight wanting to be pregnant. Mostly, because I was afraid. I was afraid of my appearance changing, I was afraid of child birth, I was afraid I would lose the connection I have with my husband. Today, I realized how much God has transformed me and my way of thinking. I also think he used those marathons to show me, I cannot do it on my own. No matter how hard I try I will fail. You see, when you carry a child inside of you, you realize, how is this happening?! I am doing nothing to make my child grow. Sure, I eat well, I exercise. But, these things to do cause my child to grow. And, even if you do not believe there is a God, you have to consider it when you are pregnant. When you see your little baby on the screen, you see fingers and toes and a cute little nose that wasn't there before, and you realize, I did nothing to deserve this. And, it hits you, there is a God, there is a God that loves me so much, he gave me this little person as a gift, an amazing life changing gift! I write with tears in my eyes, because I am so thankful. So, thankful that a God has created a life in me, and that he is changing me through the process. No amount of striving, no sprint training, no race training, no diets, can do what is happening to me. There is no amount of work, or childbirth classes, or breathing techniques, that can get me through the process of delivering this baby in the world. It is the strength from a God that loves me.

I have no fear. I have no expectations. All I know is that being pregnant for me is about a lifetime of surrender to my own efforts and expectations. God not only wanted to bring our beautiful baby in the world, he wanted to change me from a scared child to a brave mother. The process is going well. He is making space in my heart to let him do what he needs to. And, I am so grateful that I have to give up striving to look skinny, fearing the unknown, and fearing being alone. It is amazing to think I am giving birth here in Singapore, away from family, and friends. It is another reminder that God is sufficient. Even though the toughest thing about being pregnant is missing my mom to share the experience, God has brought me here to remind me that I can relay on him. I can trust that he will love me enough, he will show me what to do, and he will make me strong.

I am excited for the next 5 months. I believe God is going to continue to work out fear in my life and replace it with strength. I am confident that all the striving I like to do will disappear as mist. All the sadness I have without family, friends, and my mom will be wiped away. He is a great God. One that cares, one that always loves, and one that can provide more support than babycenter.com, and some expert on childbirth. God designed this process and me for the process, and he is with me in it. I am so thankful that one day when my child asks, how did you like being pregnant, I can tell him/her that it was the most wonderful, life changing experience in my life. Being pregnant is amazing. It is what I was made for. And, every moment leading up to me having this child, has pointed me to the direction that only God can give me what I need. Only God can create a healthy beautiful baby. And, only God can give me the strength to bring this baby into the world.